To My Dear Wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times 2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times 3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times 4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times 5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times 6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times 7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 times 8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes 9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 times 10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times 11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43 times 12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . .17 times 13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times 14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times 15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 times 16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times 17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2
times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in
the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I
had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I
had hurt you because I felt you move.
To My Dear Husband
I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real
reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . . 15 times 2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times 3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times 4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times 5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times 6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times 7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times 8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times 9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . .2 times 10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times 11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times 12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times 13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times 14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . 16 times 15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .98 times 16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.
What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you
felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!
