| Symptom |
Probable Cause |
Solution |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet |
Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face |
Take a six-pack and practice in front of mirror until drinking technique
is perfect |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale |
Glass empty |
Find someone who'll buy you another beer |
| Feet cold and wet |
Glass being held at incorrect angle |
Hold glass such that open end points toward ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet |
Loss of self control |
Move to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack
of training; demand beer in compensation |
| Bar hazy and out of focus |
You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass |
Find someone who'll buy you another beer |
| Bar swaying |
Unusually high air turbulance, perhaps due to darts match |
Insert broom handle down back of shirt |
| Bar moving |
You are being carried out |
Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly
thatyou are being hijacked |
| You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and
has a flourescent strip across it |
You have fallen over backwards |
If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your beer is full, stay
put. Otherwise, have someone help you up and lash yourself to the bar |
| Everything has become dim. Your nose and lips are bleeding |
You have fallen over forwards |
Same as for falling over backwards |
| You wake to find your bed hard, cold, and wet. You can't seem to find
your bedroom walls or ceiling |
You have spent the night in the gutter |
Check to see if it is opening time. If it isn't, treat yourself to a lie
in. |
| Everything has gone dark and quiet |
The bar is closing |
PANIC!!!! |
